Left right left - Wednesday

Arre! Tension nahi lene ka. Hum doston ke liye nahin karenge, apne logon ke liye nahin karenge, toh kya bajoo waale ke liye karenge? Thanks, achha lagta hai when people acknowledge the fact that I did something XTRA…….
Episode: Jan 17, 2007

Toh aaj ka dhamaal. Vahaan se jahaan humne kal chhoda tha. Voh interesting exercise joh Capt Rajveer karvaa rahe the apne cadets se iss ummeed par ki gunaahgaar sach bolega.

Capt: Cadets, Har jung ki shuruvaad hoti hai sahi aur galat ko pehchaanne se. Maidaan-e-jung mein apne hi saathi par goli chalaa kar kya aap poori zindagi chup chaap, uss bojhh ke saath jee paayenge? Iss liye yeh bahut zaroori hai ki sipahi yeh tay kar le ki use goli chalaani hai yaa nahin. Aur yeh faislaa karne ke liye sipahi ko bahut kam samay milta hai.

As usual, throughout this whole monologue, our dear lil Ali is having an expression of guilt and confusion written all over his face. But only we, the audience can see it and none of the others standing bang next to him can even make this out. Shaayad isi liye kehte hain ki jantaa janaardhan hoti hai.

Anyways, Capt Rajveer asks Qaidi (the cool dude) to try his luck. Actually, poore serial mein ek vohich hai jo apne dimaag par jyaadaa jor nahin daalta. For him, things are black and white….and not grey, blue or anything else. That makes him simple, cool and awesome. Correct me, if I am wrong.

Qaidi rushes towards the makeshift enemy camp, jumps over the bags and in a split second reacts to his comrade and releases his hold on the gun. They both walk out…but after hugging each other.

Interruption….yaar yeh baat apun ko samajh nahi aayee. Jab inni sohni kudiyaan aas paas tair rahee hain, toh yeh launde ladkon ko hi kyun gale lagaate hain???

Let me not digress. Back to pavilion….Qaidi walks towards Rajveer as Raj is signaling a ‘thumbs-up’ to him (Rajveer ne zaroor paise khaayen hain “Thumbs-up” ki ad karne ke liye. Koi baat nahi. Kya iska hak sirf cricketers ko hai???)

Capt: Well done Cadet. Aapne bahut kam samay mein apne saathi ko pehchaan kar uski jaan bachaayi hai. Galtiyaan sabse hoti hain aur maaf karne ke liye bada dil honaa chaahiye. Par yaad rakhen cadets, jung mein ek galti ka matlab hain ek jaan. Aur yeh faislaa lene ke liye samay bahut kam hota hai aur vohi yeh faislaa le paataa hai jiska dil, dimaag aur conscience par koi bojh naa ho. Cadet Ali Baig Khan. Step forward.

Ali is all flustered, everyone around is staring at him. Slowly and hesitantly steps forward. Capt: Ready, Cadet Baig? Attaaaaaaccckkkk.

Ali takes his gun and rushes towards the fake enemy barracks…….He jumps over the bags and starts firing at the person sitting opposite. He sees Yudi getting hit by tones of real bullets, blood spewing from all possible openings on him and he collapses.

Ali: Yeh humne kya kar diya. Humne jaanboojh ke aisaa nahi kiya. And the rondoomal does what he aces at….BAWLING.

Cut….It was all in Ali’s mind. Nothing of that sort happens…as a grinning Yudi dusts himself and Ali is beside himself with joy. (I just wish he was not himself at all)

Yudi: Yaar, abhi toh theek hai, lekin main ooparwaale se dua karta hoon ki jung ke maidaan par hum ek doosre se naa mile. Alag alag rehkar….zyaadaa dushmanon ko khatam karenge. Kyun?

As a dejected Ali walks back, Capt Rajveer declares that he has failed the test. Ali tries defending himself by saying that he did not do it on purpose but he was spurred on by the loud and long “attack” of the capt. Actually, it was more like whimpering.

Capt: Cadet Baig, yeh excuses jung mein nahin challenge. Ek sipaahi banne ke liye ek achha aur honest person banna bahut zaroori hai. (And for cadet Naina’s benefit he repeats it once more) An honest person. Cadet Ali Baig, main aapse poochtaa hoon, aapke oopar aisa kaun sa bojh tha jiske vajah se aap sahi decision lene mein chook gaye.

Cut scene….To Raju’s room (that’s Rajveer from now on)

Raju: Cadet Ali Baig, Bataaiye aapke saath kya kiya jaaye?

Ali: Sir, hum gunahgaar hain aur aap jo sazaa denge hame manzoor hai

Raju: Galti karne ke baad usko kubool karma – apne aap mein ek bahaaduri ka kaam hai. Jo hua so ho gaya. Use bhool jaaiye. You relax. (thro’ all this Raju holds Ali by his shoulder, gives him the sympathique look and makes you feel like he is a “million dollars”) He gestures Ali to sit down and dials some goddamn number….asks for Brig Gen. Ali’s heart sinks fearing the worst.

Tan..tadaaaammm………………….Commercial break.

BF: Tumhaaraa skin kitnaa soft aur smooth hain….

It goes on and on…to finally let the viewers know that its an ad for the promotional offer for Fem soap with Fem hair removing cream ekdum free. The next ad is for Pampers and the next a leading……… Uh ahem! I beg your pardon. Women’s product….

Do these guys do it on purpose…. flashing a wee bit uncomfortable ads in the middle of family serials? I would love to watch a coca-cola ad or Cadbury’s or better still Jockey’s. Why, God, why???? Kuchh baaten kabhi nahi badlengi.

Back to the drill………….

Ritu darling is exercising (god knows for what, she is awesome already. Aur kitno ko ghaayal karma chaahti hain, pata nahin) when she sights out dear Naina aunty. (Are re re! Baj gayee ghantee)

Ritz (the new name for Dr. Ritu Mishra): Cadet Singh, main kaafi der se tumhe hi dhoond rahee thi.

Naina: Kamaal hai ma’am, kisee ne mujhe bataayaa hi nahi. (After a pause) Ma’am, aap roz apne aap ko push kartee hain, to the limits (admiringly)

Ritz: Nahi Cadet, tabhi jab main bahut nervous hoti hoon. Aur aaj main bahut nervous hoon. Aaj meri first official date hai Capt Rajveer ke saath (she casts a sly glance at Naina to study her reactions at hearing this. Naina seems happy to hear this.) Cadet Singh, tum se behtar Capt Rajveer ko koi nahi jaanta. Unko kya achha lagta hai. (Naughty naughty…Ritu darling). Aaj kal voh kaafi pareshan hain un stupid letters ko lekar. Iss liye agar tum mujhe bataao ke unhe kya achha lagegaa, toh shaayad unka mood pep up kar sakoongi. (Chee…asking a little girl for such advice…Bad na???)

Naina: Ma’am agar voh letters unhone aapko likhe the, thos voh aapse bahut zyaadaa pyar karte hain. Aur aapki company hi unhe sabse zyaadaa achhi lagegi. Aur vaise bhi main unhe achhe se jaanti thi, lekin ab nahin jaanti.

Ritz: Yeh kya cadet Singh, mujhe lag rahaa tha ki we are having a girl-to-girl talk, two women (baar baar cadet bulaayengi toh kya khaakh mazaa aayega, bechaari naina ko?). Tumhari umra mein relationships bahut simple hote hain. Do logon ka ek doosre ko like karne hi kaafi hota hai. Lekin umra ke saath, relationships become more complex. Sochna padta hai ki kiss ke saath poori zindagi guzaar sakte hain (“kiss” ke saath thode hi poori zindagi guzaar sakte hain? Aur bahut saari cheezen hoti hain. Shaayad humko Dr. Mishra ki anatomy aur physiology ki class leni padegi.)

Ritz: Anyways, thanks for the help…(pause) whatever litlle help it was. Bye. (and she jauntily walks away).

Cadet Ghai ko dhoondhte dhoondhte, majnu Nair aa pahunchte hain. He is muttering to himself that she must have not finished the work, must have gone to sleep and what not. He slips and falls into a huge trench. Cadet Ghai starts filling the trench with sand dismissing Nair’s screams, pleas and threats.

Ghai: Sir, maine baaki saare gaddhe bhar diye. Yeh ek hi bachaa tha. Light chali gayee lekin main yaheen hoon.

Nair: Cadet Ghai, yeh aap kya kar rahee hain?

Ghai: Sir, main gaddhaa bhar rahee hoon jaise aapkaa hukm tha.

Nair: Pehle mujhe baahar nikaalo.

Ghai: Zaroor nikaalongi, sir. Pehle gaddhaa toh bhar doon. Usske baad aapki body ko zaroon nikaaloongi, sir. First orders first, right sir?

And she furiously continues to fill sand into the trench.

Meanwhile Raju has sent a letter fro Baggy thro’ some guy.

Raju is in his room sorting out some papers. There is a knock.

Raju: Please come in, Major Bhargav. (Without even seeing who’s there. Jaasoos ho toh aisaa.)

Baggy: (showing the letter) iss ka matlab kya hai Captain? (jaise koi letter nahin nau lakkhaa haar ho gayaa)

Raju: Sir, yeh toh aapka bayaan hai, jis mein aapne apne saare gunaah kabool kiye hain. Iss ke baad meri nazron mein aapki respect duuugni ho gayee hai (yaar, dialogue waale ko bulaao. Yahi dialogue sun sun kar hum sab pak gaye hain. Alaah gawaah hai iss baat ka. Oops! Sorry. Jesus aur bhagwaan ko toh bhool hi gaye hum. Iss baat par koi controversy naa ho jaaye)

Baggy: Meri hi chaal mujh par chalaa rahe hain, capt? Yeh aapkaa bachpanaa hai. Mujhse takkar mat li jiye.

Raju: Sir, yeh toh aapki hi handwriting hai.

Baggy: Meri handwriting ki copy karvaa kar, aapko kya lagta hai sabhi ko aap ise mane par majboor kar sakenge?

Raju: Toh aap maante hain ki aapne meri handwriting bhi copy karvaai?

Baggy: All’s fair in love and war. Aur aapke saath toh bahut zyaadaa unfair honaa padtaa hai. Kyun ki aap akele ladna pasand nahi karte. Hameshaa apne cadets ko saath lekar ladte hain. Aapne to Brig General ko bhi apne control mein le liya hoga? Kaise karte hain aap sab par control?

Raju: Yaheen par toh aap bhool kar rahe hain sir. Aap sab par aur iss academy par control karnaa chaahte hain. Aap sides mein belief rakhte hain. Lekin main iss academy ko ek unit ki tarah manta hoon aur sabko saath lekar aage badhnaa chaahtaa hoon. Aap ka mantra hai “divide and control”……(pause – enigmatic) “divide and rule”.

Baggy: Losers……ko saath lekar chalne se aapke haath bhi naakaamyaabi hi aayegi. Main sirf winners ko saath lekar chalta hoon. Dhyaan rakhiye, Dr. Ritu ne aapko pal bhar ki jeet hi dilaayee hai. Iss jeet ko main zyaadaa din rehne nahin doonga.

Raju: Dr.Ritu ne joh hum dono ke bare mein kahaa, voh jhooth nahi hai.

Baggy asks him to repeat it for better digestion (the clichéd “yeh baat kuch hazam nahin hui”) Raju obliges.

Baggy: galat Capt. Maine hi Ali se voh letter likhvaayaa, maine hi use Cadet Naina ke kamre mein rakhvaayaa, aapko vahaan bhejaa aur Hooda ko bhi vahaan par maine hi bheja. Iss poore kaand ka rachaita main hi hoon.

Raju: Thanks Sir. Main aapko apne guest se milaanaa chaahta hoon. Please come in, sir.

In walks Bri Gen Chandhok. Bagy ka muh ko phataa ka phataa reh jaataa hai.

Chandu: Maine sab sun liya hai Major. Ummeed hai ki kal subah ke drill se pehle aapne yahaan se chale gaye honge? Aur meri academy ke bare mein jo report aapne army ko bhejni th, voh POSITIVE hi honi chaahiye. Varnaa aaj iss kamre mein jo hua, usko bhi positively pesh kiya jayeegaa.

He shakes hands with Baggy…and gestures him to leave by showing him the way to the door. (Basically, he asks him to get his ass off KMA).

As he is leaving, Baggy and Raju ki nazren milti hain. Ek muskuraati aur ek mein shadyantra ki boo. If Ritu had seen it, she would have dumped him for being afflicted with I-love-men-more-than-I-love-women syndrome. It was that painfully long and tedious.

Knock knock.

Who’s on the door?

I.

I, Who?

Goodbiiiiiiii.

This happens at Naina’s door.

Major comes to bid adieu to his fave gal, Naina Singh Ahluwalia.

Baggy: Cadet Singh, Main aapko good bye kehne aayaa hoon. Kyun ki main kal yahaan se jaa raha hoon.

Naina: Sir, aapko Rajveer sir ne aakhir haraa diya (bewakoof ladki…kya haraa, laal, peelaa keh rahee ho?)

Baggy: Yes. Isi liye toh main final good bye kehne aayaa hoon.

Naina: I will really MISS you, sir (not in a nice way, jerk!)

Baggy: Me too, Cadet Singh……Me too (yeh har koi do do baar kyun bolta hain. Yede hain kya?) He leaves….not quite. Turns around and says, “Cadet, jab aapke dost ne voh photographs churaayee thi, tab voh yeh photo churaanaa bhool hi gayaa (jerk! Trying to spoil Qaidi’s name just coz he is so damn cool) toh maine socha aapka set complete kar doon. Dekhiye.

Naina looks at the photograph and is stunned.

Baggy: Kisne soch tha ki aapke bhaiyya ki girlfriend, Dr.Ritu aapke mentor se engagement karne jaa rahee hain.

Dham dham dham…..music. Naina ke chehre pe ajeebo gareeb expressions (gareeb toh definitely. Acting mein gareeb). Villian ho toh aisa. Jaate jaate bhi kuchh aisa kar jaaye ki uski yaad hamesha sataaye… Wow! Boss. That was sheer poetry.

Baaki Kal. Good night.